There's No Address in the Stars / Sammie (mufasa) Rhubart (Close Friend ) Heard this on the radio this summer broke down thinking of you. Because there is so much I wish I could tell you but I cant.
Address in the Stars (by Caitlin and Will)
[Verse 1:] I stumbled across your picture today I could barely breathe The moment stopped me cold and grabbed me like a thief I dialed your number but you wouldn't be there I knew the whole time but it's still not fair I just wanted to hear your voice I just needed to hear your voice
[Chorus:] What do I do with All I need to say so much I wanna tell you everyday though it breaks my heart I cry these tears in the dark I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue Cause there's no address in the stars
[Verse 2:] Now I'm drivin' through the pitch black dark I'm screaming at the sky Oh cause it hurts so bad [ Caitlin & Will Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ] Everybody tells me oh all I need is time Then the mornin rolls in and it hits me again Light ain't nothin' but a lie
[Chorus:] What do I do with All I need to say so much I wanna tell you everyday though it breaks my heart I cry these tears in the dark I write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue Cause there's no address in the stars
[Verse 3:] Without you here with me I don't know what to do I'd give anything just to talk to you Though it breaks my heart Oh it breaks my heart All i can do is write these letters to you But there's no address in the stars
MISS YOU FARMER!
Missing you / Sammie (mufasa) Rhubart (Close Friend ) I dont know what it lately Nikk but you are on my mind 24/7 it seems. Meibe its the fact that you didnt get to see my graduate high school and now you wont get to see me graduate college. Meibe it also could be that im at a point in my life where i would come to you for advice and i cant get it. but i know that one day we are gonna meet in shangri-la and you are gonna look at me smile that lil crooked smile and tell me that i did well.
So to Nikk whomever you are looking down on tonight know that i never stop thinking of you and missing you and because of you i am the person i am today.
Fucking Nikki... / Dave Donovan (Friend) i dont care where he is the little shit still owes me a pack of cigarrettes... so he better be holding my marlboros when i see him in shangri las or im whipping his ass on the spot... now im not gonna lie im sitting here reading through the words on the site and tears are streaming down my face cause i remember the brightly lit life fire that was burning in this fucking kids eyes when i met him... and everytime i saw him he would have that same look in his eyes... i can remember smoking a bowl with him in sommers point behind someones house... he had me trampling thourgh fucking weeds to go someplace for some goddamned food... i was wearing shorts and the pricker bushes were fucking my legs up... after we got through the field i looked down and i wear it looked like i just walked out of a ring full of barbedwire... like that was my first rodeo or some shit ya know what im saying. at any rate i was there the first time we did the faygo armegeddon for nik after the funeral... patty and dave getting soaked... mary and her offspring bouncing aroudn with faygos in their hands... everyone there with a smile on their face because we all knew nikki was looking down wishin he was in the middle of it all with us... im sorry if i misspell a fw words i cant see too well right now. nikki was going to be my student... he was hell bent on me teaching him how to be a pro wrestler... out of all the students i have had over the years i would say he had the best shot at getting into the wwe... he had the heart that it took to stick things out and he had the charisma to make the people like him whether they wanted to or not. it was his biggest strength i think. look bottom line is if he was here right now id be pissed the fuck off if he told me he didnt have time to smoke a bowl with me. and that has happened once before! we all miss nikki but in rememberance of him we all have a day out of the year to come together and wish him well as the huge network of juggalos and diehard friends that we all were and still are to him. personally i miss the fucking shit out of the little prick.
"The Cowboy from Hell" Dave fucking Donovan
memory keepers article in Lucy-mag.com / MOM <3 (mom) The Memory Keeper: Donnah Marvel Searches for Comfort Along Rt. 9 Sara W. Moreno Nikk's memorial.Whenever I passed by roadside memorials on a back road or busy highway, I took notice, although once they were out of sight, they also escaped my mind. I really began to notice the memorials once I started taking the drive from New Jersey to Maryland for college. During the two-and-a-half-hour ride, there were various sites marked with flowers, stuffed animals, balloons and other mementos, signifying someone's friend, sibling or parent. These memorials became landmarks for me, sites that I would consciously make note of when I began to draw nearer to them. I found myself looking for them when traveling new roads, wondering how many more were out there.
In the summer of 2006, I started to ride around taking photographs of the various memorial sites with the hopes of constructing a photo essay of my collection. I photographed about a dozen different sites in the area until changing jobs and starting to work for a paper. Because of the additional responsibility from my new position, my project went on hold for several months. It wasn't until summer 2007 that I decided I would begin photographing these sites again. But with a year of experience as a journalist now under my belt, photographing these sites was no longer enough. Through each one's own individual and artistic means, these memorials told a story -- they not only represented a death, but also a life. They represented love, heartache, loss and hope.
These sites may help to tell the story of the person who died, but it did not adequately describe the ones who lived on and lived through these memorials too. I was left wondering whom these people were who were killed, what happened and whom the people were who kept up these tributes. I wanted to know why and I thought maybe they would be interested in speaking. So in July 2007 I set out once again with my camera in tow, along with a pack of handwritten note cards in plastic baggies all addressed "To The Memory Keeper." In each note, I explained what I was hoping to accomplish: I wanted to give these people the opportunity to tell their stories. I included my cell phone number and the special e-mail address I set up specifically for the project, the.memory.keepers@gmail.com. At each site, I photographed the memorials and then carefully taped my card. I was excited to explore this new aspect of the project, but at the same time I was hesitant. Would my inquiries be welcomed or seen as invasive?
I received my first response two weeks after I started leaving the cards. From those who chose to contact me, I've learned that these people are not only happy to speak with someone, but they are also grateful that their efforts have not gone unnoticed. I spoke with Donnah Marvel, whose son Nickolas was killed by a drunk driver in 2004, for the first time last summer. "I go out there every night, rain or shine. It could be snowing out and I'm there, lighting a candle at his site. Not a day goes by that I'm not out there. I want people to drive by and remember that a life was taken there," she said during our first phone conversation.
I came across Nickolas's memorial while on my way to a doctor's appointment. Along the busy and notoriously congested Route 9, which runs through Linwood, New Jersey, drivers like myself encountered a large collection of pictures, crosses and, of course, Donnah's candles, which stood out somberly among the bare, open lot. It was here that Nickolas was killed on Nov. 16 on his way to the ShopRite where he worked stocking shelves. He was on his way to the store with two friends to see if he could get one of them a job. The three were cutting through the field when a drunken driver veered out of her lane, crossed over the shoulder and ran into the field, striking Nikk from behind.
According to Donnah, Nikk's body hit the car's windshield a few times before he was catapulted into a pedestrian-crossing sign. The driver, Paula Cincchinelli, drove away, despite the other two young men's attempts to flag down her car. They attempted to perform CPR in order to keep Nikk alive, but his injuries were too severe. On the side of Route 9, Nikk died from blunt force trauma to the head and internal bleeding. After Donnah and then-husband, Herman, received the news that no parents should ever hear, Herman went to the Linwood police station to get the details of their son's death. Afterwards, he went home, made a makeshift cross, and immediately took it to the field, marking the beginning of the memorial site.
"We first had the memorial there to honor Nikk. His friends needed a place to grieve. After the services, they had the cemetery, but many of us feel closer to him at the last place he was alive," Marvel said. The memorial site has been a place of refuge for Nikk's friends and family during the last few years. On the anniversary of Nikk's death and on his birthday (Dec. 26), friends have come and partaken in an Insane Clown Posse-inspired event (ICP was Nikk's favorite band): Faygo showers. Family and friends shake up bottles of the soda and spray each other, an act of remembrance and release.
Donnah has been amazed at the many things left behind for her son at the site: crosses, mementos, even money for the scholarship that is given annually in Nikk's memory at Mainland Regional High, his alma mater. And even when the site has been vandalized, she is amazed at the kindness of others. "People have been overwhelmingly supportive. Whenever someone vandalizes the memorial site, people come from all over to help me. It shows there are more good people out there than not."
Since my first visit to Nikk's memorial, many things have changed. On Oct. 3, 2007, the Marvel family finally had their day in court. Cicchinelli, 58, was found guilty of vehicular homicide, leaving the scene of an accident and driving under the influence. On Dec. 6, Cincchinelli was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Although the Marvel family was grateful that justice was served, it can do little to bring comfort. "I have accountability and, in a way, justice, but nothing will bring Nikk back. Nothing will change the empty holidays. Never will I have a grandchild by Nikk. So many things were stolen from us that fateful night. I will always need medication, counseling and supportive friends. I will never smell his smell, hug him, or hear him say 'mom' again. Paula was given 15 years and we got a life sentence," Donnah said.
Shortly after the verdict had been passed down, pieces of Nikk's memorial were occasionally stolen, but that has not stopped Donnah's steadfastness. She keeps the memorial there to put a face on the victim of a drunken driver, and little by little, she has built it back up again. Like many states, New Jersey has regulations on roadside memorials. Whereas some states such as Colorado, Massachusetts and Wisconsin prohibit memorials altogether, and others such as California and New Mexico require victims' families to pay a fee to the state in order to erect their memorial (California allows memorials only if the accident involved alcohol or drugs), New Jersey limits the length that a memorial can be displayed on state-owned property. Since Nikk's memorial is on private property, its fate relies on the feelings of the property owner. "I will keep the memorial there as long as I am allowed to," Donnah said. "The lot has been sold, but no one has stepped forward to ask me to remove it. I'm hoping to keep it there for as long as possible."
Donnah has used this experience to reach out to others who have also suffered similar tragedies. Currently, she is working with U.S. Sen. Jeff Van Drew and Assemblyman Nelson T. Albano to pass a bill that would provide memorial markers for the families of victims unable to erect memorials at crash sites (a practice that is already in effect in Texas and Florida). She and daughter Dana also speak at area high schools about the dangers of drunken driving and promote the HERO campaign (www.herocampaign.org).
To learn more about Nickolas and the Marvel family, visit www.nickloas-marvel.memory-of.com. Visit www.deadlyroads.com to learn about other families who have been affected by hit and run incidents. If you would like to share your story about a roadside memorial, please e-mail the.memory.keepers@gmail.com. Sara W. Moreno An interview with a mother who keeps the memory of her son alive with a roadside memorial
NiKK pin available from www.angelsbyrosemary------.com / Donnah Marvel (MOM)
I'm only 18 / Mom M. (Mom) My family calls me Nikk, I'm a Marvelous guy, Thanks to a drunk, I had to die, I'm only eighteen, Need to plant my seed, I'm the boardwalk farmer, I'm dead now indeed, I broke your windshield, When you hit me from the rear, Watching everyone cry, Who held me near and dear, You hit me so hard, My head was shattered, Then I hit the sign, Now nothing really mattered, You then drove away, Never hitting your brake, I lay there fighting, For every breath I take, A man stopped, To call for some aid, Look at the damage, The havoc you've made, You parked your car, And made a phone call, You lied and you squirmed, Just like an asshole, You took that drink, Then you took my life, May you forever, Have nothing but strife, Here I sit now, In the Heavens above, Watching family and friends, And their undying LOVE.
Nickolas Marvel / Sammie R. (friend) I can't believe it is time to say goodbye, Such words to you brings tears to my eye.
I never thought that this day would come, It just seems like we've come un-done.
You were a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate, When help arrived, it was too late.
You were gone from this world in the blink of an eye, Making everyone who knew you scream out why.
You were someone we could turn to, Any thing for your friends is what you would do.
You were so kind to everyone, When we were around it was always fun
You were there for us threw good and bad, To calm us down when we got angry, or cheer us up when we got sad.
No one in our lives could ever take your place, I can still remember every detail about your smiling face.
You were there for us when we needed to cry, You wiped the tears from our eyes.
Now from heaven you watch over us to make sure we are OK , And you even wait for the day,
The day where we will once again see you, And we will smile threw and threw.
So angel Nick watch over me, And one day again me you will see.
I am a local Atlantic County residence. I remembered hearing the news of what happened to Nikk. My sincere thoughts to you all. There is a commonality here - several years ago, my sister was struck and killed by a driver while she was attempting to cross a busy street (much like Rt 9). I came to find out a year later that the young man who was driving the car had a history of drug use. This was at the time where there was only a buzz about stiffer penalites and testing for drinking and driving. Nothing at all about testing for drugs. I am not sure about finding room to forgive. Even to this day I have my highs and lows. I will never forget that feeling I had when the news was given to me. May you find it in your hearts and souls to get through the days to come with your love ones. The 16th of November is a day I will also never look at the same. Close
Saw this and thought you may feel the same way / Shannon Spivey (Friend of Donnah )Read >>
Saw this and thought you may feel the same way / Shannon Spivey (Friend of Donnah )
Today is one of those days – you don’t know where to turn or even how to turn. You sit and think and cry and just want someone to understand, someone to talk to you, someone who really listens. Yet you don’t reach out – Why? Why is it we don’t do what it is we tell others to do – call someone, talk about your pain, and share your pain? We tell others this is what helps you get through your pain. Yet we sit and cry alone, we don’t want others to see or hear us this way. Almost as if we are waiting for the right person to call on the phone, the person we know we can really share with, but do we call them – NO! Is this one of those mixed emotion times – where we want to be alone – but we feel so alone and don’t want to be?
I have grown to hate days like this, when I’m so depressed that everything is an effort, let alone putting on the “face” for my other kids and my husband. I want to be allowed to grieve, I want to be allowed to cry, but I feel so uncomfortable doing that, sharing that with most people.
Although it is daylight – I sit here in darkness. A darkness that I have within. I miss my son, I want him back, and I just want to feel him here with me. The pain of allowing myself to let down all my defenses is too intense. That pain still scares me.
Although there is so much to live for, so many people to live for, I too sometimes want to die. Maybe to alleviate the pain, the pain I can’t handle at times. To leave this life, the life I force myself to smile at each day, the life I force myself to live.
When will this darkness leave me? When will I see the light of day again? The day I see my son in Heaven – that is when! Close
condolences/ Sandy Kinnamon
I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your son and would like to thank you for your kindness in extending support to Karen, Mike, and Aaron Mast in the loss of their son and brother, Josh. I first became friends with Karen in high school and then rekindled that friendship when our boys were in Little League. Years have passed and we see each other less frequently, however, that friendship remains. When I learned of Josh's passing, all I could think of is the immense sorrow and vacuum created by his loss. I last saw him about two weeks ago. He was talking with his mother at a graduation/engagement party and looked so happy. While I have not had to endure the loss of a child, five of my friends have, and on some small level I can empathize with what all of you are living with. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who has lost the greatest gift and responsibility we are given in life. May the memories you hold near your heart give you some comfort. Please know that others care. Close
I'm sorry / Connie (passerby)
To Nickolas' family and friends,I came upon this website as my nephew also has a website dedicated to himself. My nephew died on June 21, 2003 at the age of 19. Although he was not killed the loss of any child is always unbearable. I have friends who have lost their kids to drunk driving and hit and runs. My heart goes out to his mom and his entire family. My prayers are with you all.
Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as these days for her are hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She thinks of ways to honor me, sometimes far into the night She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She still buys me gifts, and writes to me as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity. Close
Because I Understand / Charlene Ruark (Friend of Donnah )Read >>
Because I Understand / Charlene Ruark (Friend of Donnah )
“My Mom Lies”
- Author Unknown
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say, "I'm alright".
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I’m well, I'm coping".
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mom
With all the lies you told!" Close
you are one of my heros because you always kept a smile no matter how bad times were. you made my brother smile whenever he was having a bad day. you just brighten up anyones day even if you dont even know them because you were THAT special.. and for that.. You are always going to be in my heart<3!
Who youd be today / Sammie (Mufasa) Rhubart (Friend)Read >>
Who youd be today / Sammie (Mufasa) Rhubart (Friend)
Kenny Chesney
Who you'd be today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone
(Chorus:)
It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Today
Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday
Someday, someday
(i'll see you again, in shangri-la) Close
A friend in need is a friend indeed. / Sammie (Mufasa) Rhubart (Friend)
That is what i heard from Nikk countless times. Nikk was always there for me when i needed him, and even sometimes when i didnt. weather it be me crying because of some guy, and Nikk telling him never to talk to me again, or me needing someone to walk me home or to the bus stop becasue i was worried i would get jumped again. Nikk was a great friend and i couldnt ask for someone better. Now i know that my farmer, my main man on the boards, is watching over me being my guardian angel. i see his face everywhere, and i know that he is with me. i cant wait until we will meet again, in shangri-la. Just like he was always helping me jump the fence to play manhunt, i know that nikk is waiting to help me jump the fence, so together, all out PAV family can live in shangri-la.
I love you Nikk, and miss you so much, we will meet again, in shangri-la! you will always be my #1 Juggalo! Close
ANGELS WINGS / SELMA FLYNN BOBBO.MEMORY-OF.COM (friend)
At the ending of the day when I'm weary
after a waterfall of tears have all been cried-
and I'm feeling like the skies will always be dreary-
nothing's there to fill the emptiness inside.
I lay my head upon my favorite pillow
just close my eyes to block all the sorrow-
wonderin' where I'll ever find the strength inside-
to do it all again- tomorrow.
And then I feel it-
inside me.
I feel it-
around me.
Like a gentle hand just wiped away the tears-
and held me close to wash away my fears.
It's you, my angel, watching over me.
And I know no matter what tomorrow brings,
You'll be here to wrap me in your angel wings-
your lovin' angel wings.
The sun comes up, it's time to face the day
and I think that things are going to be all right-
But as the day wears on my nerves begin to fray-
I feel the hollowness that creeps in every night.
And like clockwork all the tears begin to fall
As I look at my reflection in the glass-
the eyes looking back at me make me feel small-
and I ask, my God, how long's this going to last?
And then I feel it-
inside me.
I feel it-
around me.
Like a gentle hand just wiped away the tears-
and held me close to wash away my fears.
It's you, my angel, watching over me.
And I know no matter what tomorrow brings,
You'll be here to wrap me in your angel wings-
your lovin' angel wings. (Thank God for your angel wings) Close
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